so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
