i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
