FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
