the new term for farting is butt boxing.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
