wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
