The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize