This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
