I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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