I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
