I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
