your parents love me but you hate me
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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