well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
