A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
