I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
