Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he was CRYING into my vagina
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
