I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize