I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
