So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
