I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
