I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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