I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
