She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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