you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
