I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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