so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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