i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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