I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
