I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
