A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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