hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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