Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
