Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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