ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
