They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize