textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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