It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
