my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
