I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
