Your favorite bartender is back from prision
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
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