I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
