dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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