so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
