When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
