his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you didnt know i had herpes?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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