So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I am midnight drunk by noon
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
