That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
