just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
