Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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