I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm always down for nudity.
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