I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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