That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
porn star boner night. come get it.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
