Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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