I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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