Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
