can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
