its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
