An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
