so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
