I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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